The Secret Language of Doctors by Dr. Brian Goldman - very interesting book Next book: House of God
“Kiss her for me, you lucky Henry” (Dudley the Angel) in "The Bishop's Wife"
“For one kiss, I would defy a thousand Wessexes” - Will to “Thomas” in “Shakespeare in Love”
Miriam to her father: “Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa, Papa” - Her father, in reply to Miriam: “Miriam, do you get paid by the “Papa”?” (from The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel)
“Okay Dad, Let’s do it. Let’s go get the shit kicked out of us by love” from "Love Actually"
Update to Attention Earthlings!
Chapter 1
“GOOD MORNING!!!” "Happy Spring!"
“That was nice and loud and woke everybody up I’m sure!”
You may be still experiencing hangover symptoms from our Compliance Rays that brought you here today against your wills. That feeling will soon pass. Drink more water.
Hi I’m Marva, the Vice-Chair for the Midwest evacuation procedures presentation.
Thank you. Thank you. Could everyone take their seats?
“It’s 8 o’clock and we’re going to start right on time!”
“At the end of this talk there’ll be printed copies of the events at the back of the room.
I’ll also project a slide showing what’s happening, where and when.
So, here we go”.
Can you people in the back hear me? Good.
You're all probably wondering why you’ve been brought here today.
I've got some good news and I've got some bad news too.
The good news is that Global warming or ‘Climate change’ is not going to be your problem any more.
The bad news is that Mars needs your planet. And we’re taking it over. Yes, I said we’re taking it over, all of it and yes, starting right now.
Settle down, settle down now!
Our technicians are shutting down all the cell phone towers, so don’t be surprised if your phones don’t work. We're in the process of shutting down the internet and disabling the GPS satellites too. Your phones won’t be of any use here and they won't be any use where you're going. So, that means no trivia chat. No staying up till 2AM playing trivia and chatting. No TV either, so I recommend you all grab a big armful of books and a deck of cards. A roll of toilet paper would be a good idea too, but more on that later.
You’ve probably noticed that I don’t look like you Earthlings. I’m a nice shade of green and at 4 feet I’m very tall for a Martian female. But I’m just telling you right now that we won’t take kindly to any “short” jokes. Short jokes will just get you in a lot of trouble with the Boss, who himself is ‘vertically challenged’ even for a Martian, at 3 feet, 8 inches. I want you to know that he has a Ray Gun and won’t be afraid to use it on anyone making “short” jokes.
Some of you are probably wondering why Mars is taking over planet Earth. It’s quite simple. Our scientists have determined that a very large asteroid is on-course to collide with Mars in 18 months. Our most famous scientist, Professor Bohica, has calculated that Mars will be completely destroyed by this asteroid.
So, here we are, we need your planet. We have about 16 months to move you out and move our people in. We’ll be using large transporter ships that can carry thousands of humans in one load. We’ll be experimenting with various load factors to determine how many can fit on one spaceship.
Here in the Midwest, we’ll be using places like Navy Pier and Camp Randall stadium as loading docks.
We're also experimenting with a new high-powered transporter beam that can transport large numbers of you safely to your destination planet in a matter of seconds. Hopefully.
Now, we don’t want to hear any complaining about this not being ‘fair’. You know you have treated your planet like a garbage dump, poisoned the air with pollutants, burnt the Rain Forest and generally ruined Earth for humans. The human experience on Earth, at least for the past 100 years, has been one big Code Brown.
You’re probably wondering what there’ll be to eat when you get to your destination. We understand that Midwesterners like Steel Cut Oats, so we’ve already stocked 5 million tons of Steel Cut Oats on your new home planet. There’ll also be 50000 tons of cheese, chicken divan and brats and a few other things. So, enjoy.
By the way, there are no plans to provide salads. A good supply of seeds has been obtained for your use. Good luck with that. Oh and good luck with the ruderals. They’re a nuisance but we’ll leave you with a supply of herbicide and instructions. Ruderals? Oh, those are 'weeds' for the non-gardeners.
I heard someone say “what are we going to use for toilet paper?” Well, glad you asked, toilet paper is very bulky to ship, but we are working on some options. We’ll try to provide an initial supply, but no promises. The long term solution is for you to learn how to grow something that can be used for toilet paper. My advice to you is to bring as many books as you can.
That is something we’re open to negotiation on. If you wish to say, give up 500 tons of cheese for a greater amount of toilet paper, that’s okay by me.
Some keener in the front row has asked if all the UFO reports for the past hundreds of years has been us checking up on you earthlings. I can announce that yes, all those UFOs were Martian scout vessels. We have found earthlings to be ever-fascinating creatures. All the crazy things you get up to! Wars, nuclear bombs, Hollywood, NFL, NBA, team mascots, ‘Kardashians’, fairies, ‘Hooters Girls’, rock and roll music, and so many other things have been observed closely. On that note, can someone tell me what “March Madness” is exactly? And what is this Rhythm and Booms? Has that anything to do with flatulence? Also, I can't understand why Mid-Westerners like brats so much. Isn't a brat an immature person who is misbehaving?
Speaking of Rock and Roll music I’d appreciate it if someone could explain why Elton John sings that song: “I’m a girl”. Or why the Rolling Stones sing “get offa my clown”. And we can’t understand why Billy Joel sings “you got a nice white dress and a potty on your confirmation”. Why would a person need a potty on their confirmation? You earthlings are so strange.
We have many movies and tv programs back home, about your society. We call them comedies. One big hit is “My Favorite Earthling”. Another is “Earth Girls Are Easy”
Just a moment, I’ve just been handed a note… I've been summoned back to the mothership.
Apparently, it's the Boss's birthday and we’re having cake. He loves his Moon Cake.
So, I think we’ll wrap things up early on this first day of a series of information sessions.
I know this has been a Lot for you to take in and you need some time to reflect on this news and what it means to you.
Everyone have something to eat and get to bed early.
We’ll start again tomorrow at 8 AM.
***
Good morning!
Welcome to Education Day at the brand new SMPH (School of Martian Physiology and Health) - Earth Campus.
Today we’ve got a wide range of topics to cover with you. We’ve got more details on how Earth will be evacuated. Keep in mind that many of these details are subject to change and as new problems arise the Martian Council will provide direction as solutions are found.
The first item of business is to let you know that Martians are big on Yoga and Tai-Chi. In our observations of you over the years we have found that you are really on to something there.
We’ve found Yoga and Tai-Chi to be very beneficial to us who spend so many hours cramped up in our Scout spaceships.
So, I can announce that a limited number of qualified humans will be allowed to stay on Earth. It will be their choice, they can stay and teach Yoga and Tai-Chi lessons to us or they can go with the others to their new planet. If this appeals to you, put your name down on the lists at the back of the room during coffee break.
It appears that I forgot to let you know the name of your destination planet yesterday. Its name is Theta 5. If that doesn’t suit you, of course you can rename it, just let us know. It’s in the Orion Nebula and only 1,340 Light Years away, in “that” direction. So, not too far. We’ll be able to stay in touch.
I was handed a note at the end of yesterday’s session. It was signed by someone called “Texas Baby”. The note asked if I was “male or female”, or if Martians even had gender differences. Very funny.
Well, I’m a female Martian, and as we’ve noticed, humans can’t tell the difference. To you, we look just the same as the male Martians.
But believe me, we can certainly tell the difference, if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink wink.
Why I could tell you some stories about the fun times on Myrgsnark Day back home. (something like your Valentine’s Day). Oh those boys were all hands! Quite exciting to dance The Martian Hop till we dropped. Is it getting warm in here?
Ahem, back to the agenda. I want to go over some of the things you need to know about your new planet.
There is less gravity on the destination planet so this will be good news for those of you who have a problem with gravity and who fall down a lot. I'm seeing some smiles and nodding heads.
The gravity is about half of Earth’s gravity. Ladies will notice that when they twirl, that their skirts don’t fall back down as quickly as they would on earth. Careful with that skirt twirling - you could start a riot, ladies.
Baseball fields, when you get around to building them, will have to be twice as big as on earth. Trampolines, while a lot of fun on earth, could be hazardous on Theta 5.
Your children will be able to jump so much higher on Theta 5. I recommend weighing them down somehow to prevent them getting hurt until they get used to it.
Just reading another note here….’Will the lower gravity make for better sex’? Thank you for the question. Oh, this one is from “Texas Baby” too. I’m glad to see some of you young ones are buying into the idea already. The answer is yes, yes and Hell ya! You’ll see a lot of smiles on people’s faces after those first nights on Theta 5. Should make for some fun times. Something to look forward to! That’s the spirit!
When you get to Theta 5 you’ll notice some humans already there. Those are the humans we abducted over the years. You can have them back now.
Our Transporters have been modified to handle humans, but only up to the size of 1 Wisconsin Unit. Anyone larger than that will have to use our spaceships. We’ll keep working on that and hopefully we’ll be able to transport larger humans in time.
If you have any questions, just pass them forward and we’ll answer as many as we have time for.
Let's take a short break here. There's Moon Cake on the tables at the back. It's left over from Commander Zorg's birthday party. Someone ordered too much.
Everyone be back in 15 minutes. Thank you.
*****
Chapter 2
A nice-looking, middle-aged woman in the back row of the auditorium turned to her husband and looked at him closely, wondering if all this was some kind of extremely bad dream. She was speechless and she was never at a loss for words, so he looked back at her with concern and said “I’m having trouble believing this is really happening too”.
They had been holding hands the whole time they had listened to the Martian.
She finally barely whispered “I think this part is going to be the ‘for worse’ part”.
He squeezed her hand and said quietly in her ear: “Listen, this is not over. Not by a long shot. I’m going to talk to some people I know. These little green freaks won’t know what hit them”.
They walked to the back of the hall where he saw a couple of the guys that he wanted to talk to there. They were talking together quietly. He caught their eye and nodded, knowingly. He was encouraged to see the grim resolve in their eyes.
He turned to his wife and said: “I see an opening already. The Martian called for people to teach them yoga. We could use someone on ‘the inside’. Someone who they think they can trust. Grace, do you think you could stand to be with them, lead their classes and make them let down their guard with you?”
Grace shook her head back and forth and he thought her answer would be “no”. But she was just trying to grasp what she was being asked to do.
She saw the sense in it, basically spying on the Martians when they were at ease, picking up bits of information that could be useful. Maybe providing an opportunity for sabotage.
Despite the danger it involved she said yes, she would gain their trust and spy on them. She knew this could provide very valuable information for their cause. She also knew that to fail would mean death
“I think Rebecca will be interested in joining us. Let me talk to her and see if she’ll help. She smiled, feeling a glimmer of hope.
Chapter 3
Mars, viewed from Earth, was first known as the planet with the red hue. An unusual, rusty-red hue. The invention of the telescope allowed closer study by Galileo and his contemporaries. With improved optics, the later telescopes showed polar ice caps and what appeared to be ‘canals’.
Now, in 2023, 59 years since the flyby of Mariner 4, Mars has been closely studied by multiple orbiting surveyor satellites, even landers measuring topography, geology, atmospheric composition and dozens of other parameters.
Mars, once thought to be capable of sustaining life, has been found to have a harsh climate with wide temperature variations. It is dusty, windy, rocky, desolate. A visitor from the deserts of New Mexico or West Texas would feel right at home, except that there’s no Country music.
So far, the fact that there are nearly 25 million Martians living beneath the surface of the planet has escaped notice.
**************
There is plenty of geological and topographical evidence to show that Mars once had surface water. There are canyons, stream beds, even rocks worn smooth, obviously by water action. There is water at the poles, even now, albeit in frozen form.
Where did the surface water go, millions of years ago? It went underground and the Martians had no choice but to follow.
The Martians found these underground rivers and streams. They dammed the most suitable ones, formed reservoirs, built cities and towns, established universities and they thrived in these immense caverns.
One of the most important factors in making underground life possible was the geothermal heating provided by Mars’ molten core. Deep shafts were drilled, down to where the rock was so hot it could boil water and provide steam in abundance for electrical turbines and heating.
All this development took ages, but at this point there are nearly 25 million Martians living in vast networks of caverns under the surface of Mars. The caverns are mostly natural, but as needed, they are expanded by skilled miners using careful blasting techniques.
By use of careful camouflage, entrances to the cavern networks cannot be detected even at close range. The constant windblown dust immediately hides any vehicle tracks on the surface. The ancient telescopes that were used before space travel was perfected had long been buried in dust and sand.
All was well on Mars, the people thrived and the future was bright and exciting. Then one day, news came out that their top scientists were investigating the possible approach of a large asteroid. Further studies were immediately ordered, planning committees set up to establish a best course of action, the public was urged to remain calm, but parents feared for their children and wondered if this was the end.
Chapter 4
Professor Bohica was the most highly esteemed astrophysicist that Mars had ever produced.
He was loved by all his students and all his colleagues. Not only was his grasp of his subject at an elite level, he was famous for his warmth and compassion. He met individually with all first-year students to assure them of his commitment to their success and to let each one know that his door was always open to them. He even gave them his cell phone number and told them they were welcome to phone him for advice at any time.
Amazingly, he made time to phone all students who hadn’t called him in the first month, to let them know he meant what he said about being there for them and to ask how they were doing.
The Outstanding Student Award was created in his name by the School of Astrophysics and awarded annually to the most outstanding fourth-year astrophysics student. It was a symbol of how very highly regarded he was by his peers.
He and his team had first noticed the asteroid that was approaching Mars early last year. Months of observations were checked and rechecked, analysed and examined. Further observations were ordered and more calculations done. It was a very complex situation because the orbit of the asteroid was expected to be affected by the Sun and then again as it passed by Earth. Exactly how much it would be affected was subject to debate.