I thought of you today, but I do that every day, even though it's been months. It's a daily ritual now. I wonder where you are, what you're feeling. Did you have a good day, or bad? Worries still plague me, like are you safe? Are you warm and do you have heat this winter? Do you have enough to eat? I still feel a desire to watch over you, to help you, but I can't.
I think about your job situation, and wonder if you've found one yet. If so, is it working out, and how do you like it?
I wouldn't ask if you were happy. I know that dark storm of pain takes years to heal from, with more setbacks then milestones. I would ask, though, if you were at peace, here in this very moment. That's all one can really live for, anyway; just one moment in time. The rest will come later.
I know you're not ready for Christmas. Too much to do, to little time, too many people and not enough money. Too much exhausting moments of being an introverted personality in an extroverted world. I found the perfect give for you the other day, but I didn't get it. It would only sit here, untouched, and remind me of my inability to reach you.
Random things make me think of you just about every day. A hallmark card while standing in line somewhere, with a little black kitten and a verse about friendship; I know I can't send it to you though. Creepy crime scene bathroom décor. Abby, on NCIS, or a new episode of American Ninja. A deck of Cats Against Humanity.
So many things with such deep meanings, but at the same time... they no longer mean anything to me but a hollow feeling of regret.
And I used to swear that I regretted nothing in life, but I've found that to no longer be true. The biggest source of pain comes from knowing you're alive, but you've chosen to be dead to me. And looking back, it was my own doing.
Pain is a strange creature, in how it causes us to perceive, act and react.
I do wish all the best for you.
I wish you warmth in the winter and a breeze in the summer. I wish you to never want for the necessities of life, nor the simple pleasures. I wish you acceptance and unconditional love and healing. I wish you laughter and peace, and love.
I wish you life, and friends in it who cherish you for the amazing person that you are, and somewhere along the road, when your heart is ready, I wish you love.
I wish you the best, whatever that is for you, because you deserve it.
