​I normally do not discuss issues that involve my immediate family. But today I am bringing up an issue that many of us have faced or at sometime even created. This issue is called ANGER. Anger takes many forms and actions in our everyday lives. What is it about seperation that brings on even more anger then say a lost job due to someone elses mistake, or losing a friend over a false statement (which normally can be resolved if you go to the source). What im talking about is the anger that one parent issues towards another parent because the two adults (I say that loosely at times) can not come to a common ground on how to make it so the children involved are put through the least amount of unrest in thier young lives.
​I went to a Easter celebration to spend time with my most precious grandbabies (ages range from 7 to 2 years old) Upon arriving at the celebration my granddaughters all 3 of them ran up and gave me a big hug and asked if I had brought them Easter things (which I had, because they are my granddaughters and I love them). This initial reaction made the drive worth every minute of the trip. My youngest granddaughter doesnt really understand what the day represents nor do the other two to be honest but it is a fun day for them because they get to have candy and gifts and play with other family members. (Which at this point in thier young lives they should enjoy what they can as thier life basically has been turned over due to decisions of the two people they love the most) I will say there was a wonderful brunch made for all the family to enjoy and thier were plenty there to enjoy the work done to make the meal very good.
​Sad part of this day was when my oldest granddaughter asked me as she sat in my lap. Is daddy coming today? I told her in the best way I could that I was sure that her daddy was missing her but he had to work at his job which made it impossible for him to make it to the celebration. This seemed to satisfy her inquiring mind. Now here is what really set me back and that was when the middle daughter that I have a very close bond with came up to me and whispered in my ear (Why does daddy not like me?) How do you answer a 5 year old child a question like that? What would give her that impression in the first place? I told her the truth, that her daddy loves her very much and will always love her but there are issues between daddy and mommy that seem to be unresolvable. She left with a confused look on her face which I have to say was not surprising.
​Here is the issue that got to me, I was not at the brunch for over 45 minutes when the host asked me to step into another room with her and discuss something. I had an idea what the topic was going to be about, but I obliged and went into the room with her. She started off with statements that only would be known if they had been passed on to her from an opinionated individual (one of the parents). I listened for about 15 minutes of this conversation before I finally stood up looked her in the face and told her point blank that the statements she made to me were uncalled for and should not be part of this day. We both claim to be of Christian spirit and that this day represented more then the anger of what is percieved from one sided information. That if the enquiries she had made of me should be addressed to the person that she was angry with. I then proceeded to tell her as nicely as I could that I understand her wanting to protect her child. I also told her that in the same manner a true parent would investigate all statements or accusations being made from all aspects not just one sided point of view. This quickly ended the conversation (which was fine with me). In the after math of our conversation I was approached by the other parent involved with the seperation. This was not a good thing on her part as I was already in a defensive mode. Now let me say this up front first I have not condoned what happened between the two and I see both sides of the issue and have yet to find a legitimate reason for the seperation in the first place other then selfishness on both sides (yes I said both sides). In the context of the conversation I was basically told facts that I know not to be true or at least completely honest. I then corrected what I knew was not right and admitted that some of the other facts I had no knowledge of, I also informed her that I have told both of them from day 1 that I do not take sides with either of them, only thing that matters to me is what is being done to my grandchildren. I also put the statement out that it is wrong to have a grandparent tell a grandchild that one or both of the parents are bad (bad as in not doing what that particular parent or grandparent thinks they should do). This quickly changed the atmosphere of the day with both the grandmother and the mother of my granddaughters. I stayed at this celebration for one reason only and that was to give my granddaughters the attention and love that they deserve and to help get thier minds off the unrest they are currently experiencing.
​Now the point of this whole blog is not to tell you about my life and the low points of it. But to ask and maybe give a new thought to those who might have to deal with simular situation an new perspective. First and foremost and I am as bad as anyone that has children and that is to be protective of them. This is a God given right to us as parents, we are taught from early stages in our lives we are to protect our children. Now the big question is this, Where do we stop protecting and start guiding our children. First you dont stop loving a child, you can still love a child and at same time start guiding them in a way that shows love but shows common sense.
​We as humans have a certain built in amount of selfishness in us, we all have it. Should not a parent in love of a child not give up the personal selfishness to help a child that still doesnt understand adult problems the full attention they need to help them cope with life changes? A parent anyone of us, should look to what is best for that child, try to understand what they are saying or thinking. Stop being selfish and just thinking about how you were harmed through the actions of the other person, and that is true to both sides of the equation. Children of young ages dont understand seperation they dont understand why mommy and daddy hate each other. They Shouldnt Have Too. If mommy and daddy could learn to put away thier own selfish needs or wants and the grandparents could put away the prejudice they have towards thier own childs side of the issue and just focus on helping the little ones to deal with the situation then maybe there would be more reconciliation or at least a sense of awareness to make the time with mommy and the other time with daddy less strainful. I can tell you from experience we as adults have no idea what is happening when young children go through a seperation of parents, we as adults conclude we know what is best, we should know what is best. Is shooting down the importance of the other parent part of that? No its not, and I was part of that I have to protect my child attitude when this first started. I will admit that right off. But and I say this not to brag but to realize that I am an adult and I should look at the whole situation as best as I can, make decisions that are based on what is best for my grandkids as well as my kids (when a kid marries the person they marry becomes my kid also).
I wish I had brought along the book I used when I wrote yesterdays blog with the most important words in the world.
​First and foremost I had to tell myself .... I made a mistake (by taking sides/ defending my own child first) Secondly I should have said......Im sorry (for letting the conversation get to the point of aligning sides of an issue that is not mine to align with) Thirdly there is only one thing I should have said and its the most important 3 words I know............I LOVE YOU (telling both my kids how important they are and always letting my grandkids know how important they are)
​I know many will think that this is just another blog that really doesnt hold a lot of value to it. I will disagree because if it causes one person or one parent to rethink how they are attacking an issue then maybe and I say just maybe a Child will have less of a confusion or set back in thier own life to deal with at such an early age and the child is the most important one in this whole issue.
​You can be selfish, but when it comes to your grandkids put it on the back burner, what you feel towards one or both parents is not important, what is important is how you interact with that grandchild.
I hope everyone has a great day.
