*Comments are not allowed*

They say you need to write out your feelings so you don't bottle them up inside. Maybe time will tell.

I thought I was in love with you, I wanted so much for it to be true. I thought you were the one who would hold onto the broken pieces of my heart and never let them go. Bit by bit in the silence we lost sight of each other. You neglected me in ways I don't think you really noticed and eventually we became strangers sharing a last name. On the surface everyone thought we were so in love when we held hands and shared laughs but behind closed doors we were simply room mates who no longer even shared a bed. You failed as a husband, a father and a man. You promised that you would take care of things but you didn't. You put things off and focused mostly on yourself while leaving your family behind emotionally. I honestly think I knew it was over long ago but I did not know how to say the words out loud. I thought I was protecting our son but he was smart and he knew more than he should have and I am only sorry he had to live through it.

I spent endless times alone in the bathroom crying over what had been lost but did not know how to let you go. I felt trapped in a country that never felt like my home but I did it for you. When you passed away you left us with a family that never accepted us as one of them. When I cried it was not that you passed away but from a great sense of relief. I no longer had to pretend that we still had a marriage, I no longer had to pretend that I still loved you. 

Even to this day as much as a part of me hates you for what you did or didn't do, I still feel an ache inside me for what I thought we had. I feel anger for the way you betrayed us, the way you broke my heart till there was nothing left of it. I am grateful for our son and for the fact that by leaving us you finally set us free.

I don’t need any sympathy or pity for losing you. I don’t need anyone else to try to fix me anymore. My life is not perfect and it never will be but I am learning to be me. All I can do is hope by writing it down that I can find a way to heal.