I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot ...
LADIES: If your picture is of you in a kayak, im going to assume youre into kayaking.If your picture is you, half naked in a seductive pose, im going to assume you are into sex. If your picture is you making a duckface, Im assuming youre into ducks. If your picture is a group shot and you dont specify who you are, im going to assume youre the ugly one.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. Gazing upon my body makes women orgasm and men's knees buckle. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
I am also married, frustrated, contented but safe and sane if not a little crazy.
13 lessons for my son:
The world is both big and small and travel is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Embrace it. Get out into it.
Learn to pack light. You need much less than you think.
Keep asking “why?” and consider it as a major warning sign if someone in authority doesn’t want to answer, gets frustrated when you ask, or can’t answer the question without a tautology.
“Because that’s just how it’s done” is the worst answer to this question.
Learn to listen for and recognize the quiet voice inside of you that you know is your soul.
Do whatever you have to in order to protect and cherish this voice. Some people will try to crush it.
Avoid those people. They aren’t worth your time and are toxic for you.
Basic personal finance and statistics will save your ass.
Avoid debt like the plague. It is one of the oldest forms of slavery in the world, but is made to appear as “normal.”
On that note, don’t watch TV, or whatever its equivalent is by the time you’re old enough to. It will try to lie to you about almost everything that is important and make you feel bad about yourself so you buy crap you don’t need or believe in ideas that don’t serve you.
Curiosity and “dangerous questions” are what we need more of. All progress depends on these.
Ignorance is not the same as stupidity. If you don’t know something, find out. Ask, learn, repeat.
Avoid anyone who tries to make you feel bad for being curious, learning something, or trying to improve yourself and the world. This person is an energy-sucking vampire.
I'm a nice person (unless you're a dumbass...then u need to drop dead)
I am deathly afraid of the easter bunny, the guy on the quaker oatmeal box comes in a close second.
i also fear the michelin tire man.,,
i believe quiet people are perverts.,,
i love hugs. in fact, i'm a hug whore.
im a whisper whore too now that i mention it...
i think people who call other people homos and fags are actually the ones who are afraid their gay themselves.
alpha males make my eye twitch sometimes, scratch that, ALL the time
i laugh constantly. i can't help it. i'm weird....but in a good way! sort of...
tequila makes me do things i regret. so does blue gatorade, and women that im not married to
i don't forgive easily. so basically, if you piss me off...don't expect me to love you anymore. i hold grudges
one time.....oh shit....where was i going with this
Theres nothing sexier than a full figured woman.
theres nothing more of a drag than a bitch with an attitude
Stop trying to get me to join facebook. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years, Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to beef with broccoli. The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant You're not spiritual. You're just high.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. 24 Months. two will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, Do you want fries with that?
Whats the only animal with 2 assholes? A police horse.
Proceed with caution. Keep your arms inside the car at all times. Hold on to the safety rail and buckle your seat belts till the captain turns the idiot light off
I like you chunky.
I like to see who im talking to, or at least know that you have a sense of humor.
oh and arguing with me about whether or not i have a pic of myself up will get you ignored too... more often than not if its not a picture of me its something i thought was funny enough to swipe, so this proves two things, you cant read, or have no sense of humor, both of which qualify you for my ignoration.
Blank profiles suck. plain and simple
ONCE upon a time a prince asked a beautiful princess "will you marry me?" and the princess said "no" ...and the prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked cute girls and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank beer, jack daniels and captain morgan and drank the milk from the box and never heard bitching and went to rock concerts and kept his apartment and his favorite jeans and never got cheated on while working and all his family and friends thought he was fucking cool as hell and had tons of money and left the toilet seat up. the end!
“There’s no such thing as a water landing. It’s called crashing into the ocean.”
Love is the slowest form of suicide
Wise men speak because they have ,something to say; Fools because they have to say something - Plato
how quick the sun can drop away - e. vedder
Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.,,Set a man on fire and ,he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
dip me in chocolate and feed me to the lesbians
got a rock - charlie brown
You’ll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don’t owe the vast majority of people shit. -unknown guy on craigslist
all i ever need to know about islam i learned on 9-11
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down
Don't cut your hair. Ever
Don't make us guess.
If you ask a question for which you don't want an answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
He's never thinking about The Relationship.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Harley Ride. All day. It's like the full moon or the changing of the seasons. Let it be.
Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your exboyfriend is an idiot, and your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversarieson a calendar and leave a note a week before on the bathroom mirror.
Share the bathroom.
Share the closet.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your own oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is in neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect to us act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how much prettier you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the offramp,your saying, This is our exit, is not strictly necessary
What Our Sons Should Know About Women
Pick your battles.
Dont ever put your dick in crazy
Going down is more intimate than sex, but it shouldn’t be scary.
Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion
Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you
Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women
Keep backup supplies of quality chocolate in the house for when she’s on the rag
Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you—everyone knows they’re not for you
Women like compliments and gifts
Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating
Be on time, even if she usually isn’t
Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her
She should never be able to control you with sex
Find out what her favorite flower is.
If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck
Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening
Skid marks aren’t sexy or hygienic
It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum.
Personality goes a long way
At some point she’ll be more important than your mother
You will never completely understand women
Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby!
Religion is like a penis, Its fine to have one, Its fine to be proud of it, But dont whip it out in public and start waving it around. And PLEASE dont try and shove it down my child's throat!
Pearls of wisdom
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Google really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out,of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger
25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when,an entire line of cars team up to prevent an A-hole from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists
31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
