It has been forefver since i have posted here. So many changes...good and bad. I have made mistakes, regretted decisions and accepted that they are made and am moving on. somedays i am successful...other days not so much. I have also celebrated other decisions. It is called life, and i will learn that never are things perfect, never does everything happen as we expect ...as we plan. But we accept, we go on.
This past month has proven that to me as no other time in my life. Any who know me know i come from a large close family. With 8 brothers and sisters, all older; i have loved every minute of being from large family....the insanity, , the love, the battles, the smiles and tears. We have our disagreements, but in all my life never have i felt that there was a single member in my family i could not call if i needed them....and they would be there. Even when they are angry, even if for short periods of times for what ever reason they may have pulled away....still i knew if i need them, they will be there.
There are 15 years difference between me and my oldest brother... that means i was 3 when he was drafted and moved away. He was goine for years, i grew and changed. He came back for short time only to leave again moving over the years to various states, coming home for short times and then moving again. We did not spend a lot of time together, he was much older, we were different as night and day but... he was my brother. i loved him. He needed me, for whatever reason....whereever he was....i was there. And he for me. Until yesterday. Until He wasn't.
He had a degentive disease of the spine. He could get around but often it was with difficulty. He had a hard time turning his head which made hard to drive, but drive he did. He did not go out when was in a "bad way" and was not safe behind the wheel. ....he knew better. But he was also stubborn and bullheaded and heaven help him to ask for help. So if and when he did we knew don't ask questions... just do what he asks and let it go. The more fuss made, the more we commented the less he would ask. Over the years it became harder for him to do for himself. But he would not admit that was the case. He would not ask... not unless he truly had to. He would not go to the dr... we asked, recently we begged. His answer was "they will put me in the hospital, run 500 tests and tell me what i already know. i have a spinal disease. It causes dizziness, it causes loss of balance, it causes weakness and other problems.But still He would not ask for help until he had no choice. And yes, we tried to volunteer, to just happen to be doing something, going somewhere he might need to go, like to visit. He saw right through us. In the last year he grew more recluse. He was a computer wizz, had easy half dozen or more laptops and desk tops... 7 or 8 tablets. yet the man could not figure out how to send a text if his life depended on it. lol Sadly, it did. He had not been feeling well... my sister asked multiple times over last few weeks if needed anything, she was going to store, did he need groceries? always no, i will go. Then last week he called her asking if she could pick up "a few things" and when she asked what the list was mile long. (grins) That's my brother. This time when she took the groceries in instead of him coming to the car to get them. .For the first time he did not stop her from coming in.
Let me explain... my brother was a bit of a pack rat. We are not sure was it him, or the disease that made him so. He was unable to twist or bend to pick things up.... he was in constant pain which at times would restrict him to a chair for days at a time...hence the tablets all over the house always in easy reach. He was a writer, mystery stories. So in addition to having communication close at hand, he could write when the desire was there regardless where he was, and if we called and no answer...we knew to email. Almost always he would answer within the hour. Until he did not. She shopped for Him Thurs, and saw he looked thinner, drawn, in pain. He let her come in and put away the groceries. In 5 years living there, he has never done so before. She asked him to go to dr....to ER, he of course refused. So she asked him, "please, send me a email each morning or afternoon....just hi so we know you are ok" He said would "try to remember" meaning "ya ya ya whatever" So when did not hear Fri or Sat, we did not worry so much. But come Monday, then Tues.. no email, no answer to phone ...fear set in. She called and asked we meet her there...she was afraid to go on her own. So at 9am we were knocking on his door...then beating... then yellling....to no response. Enter apt manager letting us in on a "good health " check. He was gone. My brother who i sometimes felt i barely knew, other times thought i knew so well.... was gone. The oldest of 9, the one who always tried to play the grouch, the grumpy one...to keep people away to hide the pain he was in. He had noone, yet he had everyone. We were all there for him as much as he would allow us, we all kept our distance as much as we could to respect his wishes.
It is so strange to know he is gone. Will take time to sink in. A group of 9 siblings, and suddenly in the matter of just 3 weeks we lost 2 brothers. The last month has been a whirlwind of disaster and a lesson i thought i knew but had slammed in my face as never before. TELL THOSE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT THEY ARE! Call your parents, your siblings, your friends even when you are tired and think i can do it tomorrow. Maybe you can.....but maybe you can't. If you had told me at the begenning of Oct that by the end of month i would have lost two brothers, i would have said you were crazy.
My cousin said something to me last night...that "there is a hell of a party going on up there tonight" and all i could think of is 'oh yea! Mom is cooking up a storm! Its what she did...cook and feed anyone and everyone. She used to joke it "was the Polish in her" Mom, Dad.. i miss you... You taught us well and we will get through, just as you taught us...TOGETHER! To my brothers... we will always remember your humor, your service in the military, your stubborness (sorry but you know you were lol) and most of all, your love.and understanding of a little sister who could sometimes, occasionally, now and then be just a little bit of a pest. We are family! Always have been, always will be. Its that simple.
